Where does Stigma come from and why?
“It’s been over 9 years since my Father has talked to me, did you know that”…
Today is one of those days. A day where I feel lost, I feel alone, and I feel empty. Today even the meds seem to not be doing their job. I woke up feeling off. Can’t seem to put my finger on it, just feel sad. Depression so deep, you can cut it with a knife. Is it that I’m having one of those “mourning” days? I’m not sure. All I know is I feel strange.
I’ve been thinking about my father a lot the last few days. I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder how a father can turn away from a daughter and not feel any remorse? Does he have a heart? As I have been told many times over the years that I’m different from them. Is it because of my mental illness? Is it because I’m in recovery?
It’s hard sometimes to stop the spinning thoughts in my head, the ones that get my moods all in disarray.
These are the type of days that are hard to get out of bed. I feel fatigued and tired, even after sleeping all night. Like pressure pushing down on my shoulders refusing me a piece of joy to slip through. Nothing seems to help. Meditation, Yoga, a Shower, nothing. Just this feeling of pending doom. I just want to hide from the sun. Like life is being lived without me in it. Just passing by this window called life.
Is it the childhood I never had? The one that was happy and bright before being abused? Those demon’s never seem to go away. Even after years of therapy, I still mourn for that hurt little girl who has never been the same. As an adult, hiding all the pain behind fake smiles and laughter. Always the fun, up beat crazy one. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Today I feel off. I want to isolate, and afraid of showing how I really feel. The unstoppable tears for what? I don’t know. In the back of my mind, the fear monster lies in wait. I know he is their, I can feel him slowly invading my soul. Draining all the happiness from me. But WHY? I don’t know why. I just want this day to be over. I want tomorrow to come and chase this all away. I don’t like feeling like this. Am I in a Bipolar cycle? Will this hopefully go away? Why me? When will this ever go away?
I just want to be a normal person…….
Today, I don’t feel like myself. Today, I feel like I’m a life in mourning……
Blog For Mental Health 2014 Official Blogroll
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”